Britain's Next Top Witch
by singahappysong
Summary: See what happens when the show Next Top Model is crossed with Harry Potter! Lots of Tyra Banks, Camp Dumbledore and catty girls!
1. Episode 1

disclamer: i own nothing!! i wash it i did but noooooo i don't jkr and tyra bags did it all. Peas dont make fun i now at dis.

Each chapter will be in antm episoda format like dat but only like, a part

Tyra banks: Hello. i am tyrant blanks. im a tap model and half witch and half vampire i like to suck its fun. i start famus show Americas newt top model. i used muffles, but they sticnk. (a/n: jasween is a poop head!!! Hahaha lolz burn) so now i turn to withces in hoggywarts. i call is hoggy cause im a fatty and like pigglies LOTS!!! I audited girls from all over hoggywarts. only 12 made it. Lets eat them!!!!!

Thames strong plays. do ya wanna be on toppp? Na na na na na na naaaaaaa nana na na wanna be n top?

Screen shows a double pecker picking up 4 girls. Choc, Hermione, padma and parvati

Girls: laugh and say hello

Cho: hi im cho. ho, are you?

Hermione: hi im Hermione im good. in bed! Hahaha!

Girls on bus: hahaha yur funny!!!

Hermione (in crowsnest): i look funny but today thats high fasion. Yaya for busy hair!

Padma (in cornfession): Hermione is funy but she dont stand a chance a gain me. Im actually nice loking.

The screen now shows the bus picking up 3 girls and 1 guy. ginny, fred, pansy & luna

Gin, fred, & luna; Headgoo everyswine!

Pastry: ew I hate you all im the prettiest Eva!

Parvati: um fred yur a guy!

Fred; shut up hatter!

Cho: no really, you're a guy!!!

Fred: what!?! Noooooo cries

After a bit

Fred: I guess tht make s sensual. I always wondered y i was the only girl who had a dicky.

Ginny pats freds should.

Ginny; it's okay. Were gonna get you a sexy change

Fred & everyone minus that hoe pansy: yayyy!

Luna (in confression): I like to eat goat nipples.

The bus drives up to meet the last four girls. But it always kills them.

Girls waiting: AHHH HELP TYRANT!

Bus driver: oh poopshead

The bus ears off at the last moment thanks to some Wang work by tonks

Girls waiting: oh thanks gosh

The girls get on the bust. Its draco sister waterflower, tonks, lavender brown, & Eloise migden

Eloise: hi girls im excited to be her

girls & red; heyyy

waterflower to pasny; omg, she's even uglier than that beaver girl!

The girls cat while they are leaked to the first challenge

Tonks (in confession); im gonna win cause im nice and I can look like anyhoo even tybag

Bus gets clang

Dumbleywhore greets them

Dumblewhore: hello!! I am dumbles. I am gay. I like to stick my coke up other mens poopholes. Yayyyy. I will be your helper type person on shots.

Pants (confession (a/n for you know, I rite 'C' 4 now on when it's 4 confession): i hate gay pedos. Dumbledore is so old. Maybe hell die if I poke him

Fred(C ); dummle drawer is so cool. hes me idol. i want to fuck him. Maybe I shouldn't get a sex change after all?

Dumbledore: yur challenge is to that theres gonna we a runaway in the mdle of dragon alley. You walk onit with the clothes yur given.

Dumble pulls out his wand

Ddore: makuphairandfacus!

The girls now are all in their hair, makeup and clothes

Hermie ©: I had the prettiest blue shit on me.

Waterflower ©: I had to wear granny pants and some big black boobs um ew

Waterfrowner to dman: I am the prettiest girl hair…I wanna wear a shit like bucky the fucked up beaver is wearing! Not this ugly –

Dumb: YOU WILL WERE WHAT YOUR GIVEN BIOTECH!!!

Ginny 2 Luna: haha look at waterflower that girl is so dumb. peeps like tht dumb bith is y abortion should be retroactive.

Lulna: the moon shines brighters when the sun goes POW

Waterflow; I heard that you donkey fuker

Ginny; fine, im glad

Twaterflower: you jealsous cunt

Ginny; im not jealos. It's a shame your dad didn't use a condom

Cho ©: I couldn't belive thoae 2 dumb bitches were already fighting.

layingder ©: we met hour go!

hairy comes and separes them when they start to fight. ruinway starts. Padma goes first. Hermione, ginny, cho, luna, pansy,waterflower (trips) fred, honk, eliose, lavender and laskey parvati is the oder.

People watching; um dude they all suck. Gunny is 2 booby to be model. you kant see lavender shws so short

Other people watchig; heyy don't belittle her

After the show the girls are all happy

Elisoe (c0: I think I did really well

Waterflower; omggggggggggggggggggggggg you guys I tripped! And not the good kin of trip that involves LSD. Da bad kind.

Tyra comes to meet girl

tyL: basically, yall sucked mayors ass. But eliose and Hermione and fred.

Eolise Hermione and fred: ha sukers

Tyra: eliose, you win.

Other girls: nooo not fried.

Elly: yayy

Tyra: your priss js a snooping spree. You may pick 4 firnds.

El: fred & herm cause they also did well…luna, & gin

Picked pepps; yay

Tyra; now go take the speed!

they have fun shopping. they buy lots. fred bys 5 dresses.

Eliose ©: shopping was so much fun!

Laughinather © I hate elise. Her hare looks like pubic. That me knew name for her. Public hair. why not pick mee??

Tonks ©; i don't care that she didn't pick me. I wannta to touch my vagine in the restroom while think aout reams

the girls go to their house. It's big n grand. 4 rooms. the tyra room. The fleur room. The jandick room and andre j. the girls go crazy. they run around nekkid. Padma starts to give head to fred only he don't likeit. fred likes men. just like dumblewhore!

Lavennather to eliose: hey pubic

Eliose; um what did you call me

L-girl (i dunt know how to spell): pubic. Cuase that's what you r.

Eliose; you're an immature brat. go cut off your clit

Pamda and parvati and cho jump into the pool nekkid

cho; bets have lessie orgie., only no GIRL Aloud.

twins: okay.

The next day, tyra mails come is says some witty thing but kant think

Next day: foot shoot

Dumble: okay, we're shooting at madam malkins hos.

The girls get hairs and mack

Phtoshoot happens. I don't' feel like describing it. waterflower padma luna & lavender are bad. Ginny fred eliose and cho are good. the best are medi.

Patt©: if water get the chop, ill cry tears of really sad tears she sucked Im afraid. I hoe she don't get HIV! Hahahhaahah jk. but reall, I worredi

Luna: i did better than a snorlake iceskating

Herm: theres no such thingggg

Luna; yes

Herm: no

its time for elimination. The judges are fluer, tyra, Janice, and Andre J. guest judge is Neville im kickass longbottom

judges; hi

gurls; were scared

tyra; mwahhaha bow down to me minons aren't I great!?!? I can do it better than you cannnn lalalal I change the world alallala VASLINE FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOR YOU FOR YOU FOR YOU FOR YOU

girls:..

girls; OMG TYRA WE LOVE YOU!!! LET US LICK YOUR ASSHOLE TYRA BANKS!!!!!!!

Neville ©: how the hell was I convicted into judging some stupid contest for a bunch of crazy retarded folk? i want 2 call my agent

Tyra; luna, your up first

Lunas picture apers

Tyra: u did this. You should have done this.

Luna; it's the same thing

Tyra; NOOO ITS NOT

Neville: yes it is

Tyra: zaps him with his wand

Neville: i helped defeated moldyshorts. no way in fuc im doin this. leaves

Jandik: im drunk wooooo

Fluer: I like it. the camera loves you

Camera: no i don't damnit!!!!!

Andre J: this picture is fab. Just like me!

Tyra: thanksk luna fred.

Freds picture appers.

Fred; before you judge, can I just say to Andre j that the idea of you really helped my thru my hardshits when I found out I was man.

Andre J: ur fabulous!

Tyra; this picture is fierce.

Flluer: um no

Dick: you need to show your titttties!!!!

Fred sadly i have none

Fred; wiat! I have a plain! Accio boobius! a pair of boobs come zooming into room & attack freds chest

Dick: yay, now you got boobs.

Tyra; waterflowe, it's ur turn

Jandick: THIS IS THE BADDESET PICTURE IVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFEEEEE AND IM 200!

Fluer: you're not as pretty as I am, but ur close.

Tyra: you stink like poo

Ander J.: sorry hon, your not fab

The judging continues untl everswan has gone. The judges deteriorate and then call the girls in.

Tyra: I have 11 ½ beautiful girls and ½ boy standing before my. but i only have 11 pics in hands. and these pics resent the girls who will still be running for witches next top model.

T:Ginny….

Ginny ©: OMW thank goodness

T: cho

T; Fred

T: luna

T: eliose

T: hemione

T; padma

T; the rest ofr the girls but lav and water

Tyant: Lavtherver and waderfowl, step forward. Each one fo you stand be4 me for diff. reasons. L: your pic was good but u men. Waderfowl, your pic sucks and yur men. Ill only call one name

Waderfowl

Pasty ©: that god my girllls stil here

Lavender: BULL

Tyra: Duh. That's wat this is all bout

Waderfowl: ha! Suck it, biotech!

Lavenfer says goodbye and packs

La © that was a dumb thing

Next week on britians next top witch…cool stuff happens!

REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW


	2. Episode 2

Um I like the way i spiel thins!!! it looks prettier dat way! but since none else thinks so I tried to spel better! I used the spell check part of time plz don't flame again!!! I dont owned any thing.

N why would dis be a joke????? I post hear cause I love riting.

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Tyra's Back: last time on Brits next top witch…11 girls and 1 dude got into the house. They made fiends and ermines. Lavender left.

Thames strong plays. do ya wanna be on toppp? Na na na na na na naaaaaaa nana na na wanna be n top? Shoots of cho Hermione padma parvatie pansy fred ginny luna waterflower lavender Eloise & tanks are on screen.

The girls are back at the house. Gin, Hermione and Luna are smocking n talking on da baloney

Gin: omg i cant believe lav left in stead of dat bitchhh waterfuck

hermie: I now…

luna: weeeeeeee im a hippocampus flies round room

gin ©: I hate that malfroy girl…i think im gonna curse her ween shes sleping.

Shot of w.f. laughing mechanically w/t pans

Its knight. Ginny and tonks are giggling

they snake into W.F.'s room

Gin: points wang at waterfowl battyboggyus!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Waterflow: omgggg you little bitch. Im gonna fisting kill youuuu.

Waterflow searches for weed but tonks has taken it along with pansys wand and everyone elves wands in that room

Ginny and tonks laugh and walk out

Gin: haaaaaaa bburnnn in heels bitch. You and ur inbreed fam!1

Toots: hey! Mi mums her mums sissy!

Gun; um…just kiting!

Tooks: oh okay

WF ©: I was sooooooo mad at that fat red hair weasly girl im in luck pants trout a way 2 get her to bake!!!!!!

Shot of Chow, Freed, and Padre eating breakfast

Freed: today is the day I become women!

Chow: you got ur aunt flo?

Fred: noooo! Today is da snip-snip I cant wait

Pad: god lick!

Fred ©: i existed!!

shot of fred goin to the dickers. There is scheming and then fredricka comes out & is a gorgons women

fredricka: ow I got a boo boo but yessssss!!!!!

Gin ©: I was so crappy for Fred! Until mom and gorges hailers come.

Mom howler: OMG WHAT THE FUCK HOW COULD YOU!!!

George howler: OMG CAN I FUCK YOU???

Fred ©: gorge seemed pretty happy for me…to happy form me.

Shoot of Fredericka crying like baby voldy in a corner.

Luna comes n pads his boulder

Lu: hey its okay…

Fred craps tears.

Lu: want me to do a cheering charm?

Fredrickea: nooo their illegal…like Mexicans!

Eloise comes in

Eloise; omg ur racist like Hitler!

Fred: nooo I was gonna say like Mexican drugs. Don't buy it…my brothels in jail cause of it.

Hermione & Cho: Bitch mail!!

Girls gather round

Cho: we know you can take the talk but can you walk the walk?

The girls fly on brooms to their challenge.

Dumbledore: hey guys its meeeeee!!!!!! Weee!!!!1 propeler hats for all!! Oh damn girls ur fierce with those HF beanies on. Toady im gonna teach u how 2 waltz. Properly. And um…Water…why r batties flying out of your boogies?

Water: ginnys a bitch & curses me.

Dumbledore to gin: high five grillfried!

Dumbledore demonstrates how 2 walk. The girls tries it.

Fred, tonks, & Hermione fall. Pansy, waterflow & luna are the best at it.

Dumbledore: okays girl your challenge is (tonks: plz don't say runway; we did it last timmeeee!) IT IS runway. Ur dissed tonks. And btw, its gonna be after your photoshot.

Girls; wtf:

Tonks: aw, boo

Tonks ©: I pretend I was mad that I was disused …but honestly, I hate it walking who gives a shirt?

Its hotshot time.

Jay: hi girls. Today on ur hotshot, your gonna be portraying famous dead ethers and aurors. Your gonna be paired up and fighting each other)

Everyone: yay

Jay: Ginny, your Malfoy-

W.F. & Ginny: WTF?

W.F.: I'm the Malroy here!

Jay: shut up waterflower, your Author Wesleyans. Ur paired up.

W.F. & Ginny: WTF?

Ginny to w.f.: they know we hate each other n their trying to salvias us. We wont let em do it.

Jay: chow, your gonna be snap. Ur the only girl whose by themselves. Ur gonna be good and bad snap.

Cho: umm…we already resolved that argufy with book 7.he's god.

Jay; shut up!!!

Jay: LunaDumbledore; HermioneBollymort their tether.

Pansyserious tonks bella

Padmawerewolf, parvaticrap.

Parvati: ew fatty

Tonks: hey I wanted to be my husbandddd!!

Jay; u and ur husband r both dead! Ha! Burn!

Toots: I now im dead I just come back for this campetition.

Fredagrid, Eloiseavery

Jay: hairusandmakeisus!!!

Ginny and waterflowers shot.

Jay; u girls are doing a lot beater than I thought.

Ginny; rwarrr!!! Im gonna bite off your ear!

w.f.: chomps on ginnies leg stupid poo face

cho is doing badly on her shoot

jay: c'mon, I need some intoxication. You suck (dick!) hahhahaha

cho: that's not fun im homo like Dumblewhore.

Jau: oh, me too

Luna and Hermione do the best

Pnasy and tonks shot:

Pansy does well. Tonks sucks.

Everyone else does well medium.

Clevage time!

The girls walk on a runway. First up if cho. then parvati. Then ginny. When ginny is walking back, W.F. goes. W.f pushed her off the runway.

W.F. hah slut!

Gin grapes her wang and goes, "Avzada Kadavera!:

Ginny: um…whoops?

Dumbles looks at ginny. Ginny looks at dumbles. Everyone looks at ginny. Pansy starts to cry.

Dumblees: aw, hell! Who cares? We all hated that ho anywhoo.

Everyone but pants: Yay Ginny doesn't go to the Azkaban!

Ginny: yay!!!!

Pansy tickles Ginny and starts pouching her in the façade.

Cho ©; So after that, we didn't Finnish the challagne. No one was the winner.

Judging

Tyra: im not gonna introduce you to the judges and the prizes cause dats lameass. Also, me n the judges decided not to critique you infront you u. we like to see you sperm.

Luna

Hermione

Pansy

Fred

Parvati

Padma

Eloise

Ginny…you killed a girl this week. Try not to do it again. One time when I was much younger n hotter n modeling in Paris, one girl massacred a bunch of others. I didn't do that cause im strong and im Tyrant banks and im queen of the universe. Im god's mama. I know what the pressure is like.

Ginny:okay,

Will cho and tonks plz step forward

Tyra: you both suck. But we felt one of you up, and one of you has more pot. Than the other.

TOnks.

Trunks: omg yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Cho: im crying tyra

Tyra: ha, who cares? I mean, I love you girl. Keep modling.

Cho hugs everyone.

Cho ©: I fucked up…but at least I didn't get killed by ginny.

Chow leaves.

Nest weak on BNTW: Pants becomes the new house bitch. Fred and eliose get mad at each other. And a hot hotshot for Playwith!


	3. Episode Three, Part One

AN: Plz r&R

AN: Plz r&R!!

Theme music plays: naaaa na na na na na naaaaaaaaaa nana na na shots of Tyra more Tyra. Even more and more and MORE tyrant. Quick shots of girls. WANNA BE ON TOP?

Tyty: last time on BNTM: Gin killed waterflow but because I thought Ginny showed strength by this, she stayed while cho was sent home. Ho will be elimes tonight?

Pandy ©: ugh, I'm sooooo mad that my bff is dead! That domb bitch gin will pay!! Mwahahah. I could fall into voldie. Instead, I bring dramazzzz. she does z snap.

Gin, tonks, luna, and fred r in the kitchen.

Tonks: guys im so bothered without my husband. he kept ma horiness in check.

Fredricka: Your always gonna by horny cause Your names nympo!! Hahah

Tonks: don't ever call me that!! Bitch!

Luna: you can borrow my nargle shaped vibrator if you want.

Tonks: …maybe later

Gin: if your bared tonks, we can play a drinking game

Pansy comes.

Pans: only YOU would fuggest that, GIN.

Gin: wtf r u impenising?

Pants: The TRUTH.

Gin: bitch, you better be tellin me whats crackin…

Luna: crack.

Pansy: But you now whut, Ginny? I'd have alcohall porklems too if my brother became my sister, my bro was a horny wolf, and my mam was a fatlard.

Gin; oh no you diddddn't.

Fredricka: wahhhh crying like a girl ho just saw perz Hilton nekkid don't be MEN! It's not nice!

Pants: Your name is Ginny. GIN.

Gin: Shut up! I do not half tissues!

Hermi: TYRANT MAILLLLLLLLLLLLL

Gin: this aint over! Ho!

Gin©: I'm gonna beat that fatherfucker over the head with luna's corn dildo

Tyant Mail: how big is your bf's wand? He's gonna cum out! Luv, Tyra

Everyone: wtf?

Eloise: 9 inches!

COMMERCIAL BREAK


	4. Episdoe Three, PART TWO

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END COMMERCIAL BREAK 

The girls broadd a giant boom and flee to their challenge. They arrive at St. John's Magical Asscedemy for men.

Padma ©: We're gonna pee boys! Yay!

Dumbledore feets the grills to explain the challenge.

Dumbles: Hello girls!

Girls: Hey Dumblepants

D: Go down while I explain today's lesisason to you. It's alfreddy hard to poos in photoshoots having to furry about all sorts of tings. Your hair did, your fake-up, the lightin, what the photographer is shiting, and focusing on not thinking while actually thinking, while not really thinking while looking like you're not thinking but still thinking anyway because you need to be thinking something. Righhht?

Girls: Um….sure.

D: Sometimes, there fill be even MORE elements in that distrike you while posing, such as magic…magic and men! I like men! Do you like men, ladies!

G: Yesss!

D: Meet St. John.

St. John cums. Hes dressed like a pimp.

St. John: What up, bitches! I be Johno, headmaster of dis skool for menz. Today, you're going to practice posing with men while we shove wells at you. Are you ready, hos?

G: Whoo! Yes.

Dumbles: Boys, come out and strut your stuffe.

Five exterminatorly hot guys come out. Whoring nutin butt boxers.

D: Fisting….smartypants! Youre Wit Neezile.

Hermione: ©…Neezile? Fhat rind of nam is Neezile?

Hermie shees Neezile. Makes 'O' face.

Mione: It don't whatter if he's Neezile or Shitburger. Cause you know what? If his name was shitburger, then well, I'd LOVE to eat shit.

St. J: passé, ma little bastards!

Hermione whoshes him to the grind, and is aboot to straddle him, but before she can do so, she is cocked away by a spell.

D: You've got to pay assention! Don't bee distrackeded by the booty! Be on your fleet and deflect the sell!Eloise, next!

Pimply maranges two pose with derelecting the spells famed at her.

St. John: Eloise managed the challenge, but that bitches poses weren't that hot.

D: Tonks!

Tonks ©: He wasn't nearly harry enoufuck for my tastes.

She is paired up with a man whores omount of cheast hair could rival Chimps.

D: Parvati!

She pulls her finger on off the chalenge fiercely.

St. John ©: Parvati was fab-u-lous!

D: Pansty, your turn!

Pansy pushes the moodel in a cherry and is adout to giver him a lap dance when a speen hits her.

Pansy ©: Why the hell would they be sodomizing spells at us to knock us down in photo sodts? That's just retarded! And da Tyrant mail didn't even make sense!

The ractice posing is over.

D: Partavi, you did the beast. You weren't distirbed by the model's beauti and were fable to pose fiercely! Leaves

Pansy: Haha, she foood not get distrorted! LESBO.

Padma: Oh, shut up, you dickhead. You're just jealocus.

Pansy: Why is that EVERYONE'S fuse when you make funner of somebun?

Padma: You practicallity humped that guy! You just wishe you had self-control!

Pansy: Bitch, peas. You now whut? I am jeelous. I wish so munch I had a lesbain sisster! Haha.

Meanwhile, Luna is larking to Neevile.

Luna: I message my vagina every night with nargles.

Neevile: Can I have your nomber? Can I haz it? Can I haz it?

Luna: I'll hark my nargles write it upon your buttocks.

Neevile pulls down his penits.

Neevile: AWESOME!

The Girls are Back Dooring at the House.

Pada and Pari and cocking in the kitchen.

Padma: Why can't you sran up for yourself? Why do I always have to de fiend you?

Parv: It's not not me tanfing up for miself. I just refiterated that I'm not gonna get inloved in that shiit. She's a men gurl let her say what she will. My head will be high.

Padma: But shes insisuating you!

Parvati: How is calling some gay insultan?

Pad: There's nodding rong with being gay, I jusice

Ginn cumes in.

Gin: You're lunch a homofobe, Padma! I bet you hate Fredricka cause she got a sex charge!

Parlatte: yeah, cause that's what it frownds lick.

Padca: I can't belittle this! I don't hate him at all--

Jinny: Rye, you called her a him! That's poof!

Pavati: OMG, yeah!

Pad: Gingery, stay the fuck out of dis! This is a sister diagram! I said him because I knew Fred for so long as a male, give me tim to get used to her.

Ginny: NO I WON'T, NOT WHEN YOU HATE GAYSSSS!!

Gin claps her. Padma frumps on her and they get into a huge fit. They send speells at each ather. Ginny is turned on by a giant slug; Padma now resablmes a talking water bottle. They have to give each toerh to the whorspital

Padma ©: So basicaly, I look like this because my sister was causational me of hating gays because I was fucking defriending her. Stupid bitch.

Parvai ©: I don't actually tink Padma hazes gays. I just sadid that because….because there was a reason that I didn't defend myself against Pansy. Because………………..

……………………………………………………………………………..Pansy was rite.

Parvati ©: Oh and Ginny? FUCK YOU. NO ONE PUTS PADMA IN A FORNICATOR

COMMERCIAL BREAK


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